lazy radical

Piggybacking on that quotation about body acceptance: I have arthritis. I am also prone to sprains, which take months to heal. My body is almost always in pain.

The conventional wisdom about treating arthritis is to stay active and keep your weight down. Because of the pain, it’s difficult to stay active and therefore difficult to manage my weight. But if I don’t stay active and keep my weight down, it’s somehow my fault that I still have arthritis pain. If you could just stop being lazy and letting pain control your life, people seem to say, you could be skinny and healthy and pain-free.

It’s really difficult to love this body when a) it hurts a lot, and b) its size is a symbol of my failure to manage my condition. “Healthy” is the new skinny, and it’s just as problematic as the old narrative. It’s still about changing one’s body to meet a cultural standard.

So you guys… I started working out 2 to 3 times a week, mainly because I’m terrified of being unable to walk and breathe when I’m older, and I almost hate to admit that my MIND is better. It’s ridiculous. The anxiety, depression, and OCD are still there, but I’m keeping better reins on my symptoms. I’m not going to run any marathons or go crossfit crazy on y’all, but this shit is awesome.

The other day I had my first panic attack in months. It took me awhile to figure out what was going on, because I’ve had them so infrequently in recent years. At the height of my disorder, I had half a dozen panic attacks every day. I’ve reached a point where I think of a panic attack the same way I think of a headache or papercut, and I guess this is what recovery feels like.

Didn’t mean to start futbol/football shit on my Facebook, but I got super-pissed at the guy who started commenting. We used to be really good friends. In college, he oversaw my education in the various genres of metal. He was a satanist and taught me a lot about different religions. 

Fast-forward to 2013, when he is on his second marriage and recently moved his blended family of 7 across the country because his god told him to. He’s a megachurch-attending, American-flag-waving, ultraconservative, racist, sexist believer in the superiority of the United States.

How does such a thing even happen?

Looking forward to a weekend of hermiting! I cancelled my social plans tonight because either I’m having an allergy attack, or I caught a mild cold. In either case, I’m not up for doing anything but chilling at home.

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I’M BACK Y’ALL!
Goodnight.

I miss the foster kitty a little less every day. I’ve fostered before and I always get a little attached. I know she’s in a good home.

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